Within my circle, it has been discussed how men are intimidated by a strong woman who has herself together and sing Beyonce’ songs like “Who Run the World”. As the conversation looms on, I hear women with brains and beauty saying they will downplay their higher education and/or accomplishments (i.e. Master’s degrees, PhDs, CEOs, lead engineers, etc.) I myself can say I am guilty of this awful disease; I will call Downplay-itis (an inflamed down play of yourself). I have accomplished great things along life’s journey, but feel I must downplay myself so as to not be intimidating.
Here are the Top Side Effects and Cures for Downplay-itis AKA Downplaying Yourself:
- Side Effect: You are not offering your true self. You are constantly acting, rehearsing your lines and hoping to get it right. Cure: On a first date, maybe even a second date, don’t go into a whole resume submittal detailing all of your degrees and/or accomplishments. Though some dates are similar to an interview..the whole getting to know you thing, THIS IS NOT AN INTERVIEW! Yes. You are the bomb.com. But NO. Do not give it all away on the first date –intellectually or physically. While I am in no way saying be ashamed of all you’ve done, I am saying hit the highlights then allow your date to interject. If asked for further details, by all means expound and share. Allow it to all happen organically.
- Side Effect: Downplay-itis, while dating, will potentially carry over into your professional life as well. After an interview, how many times have you wished you would have mentioned all those great attributes you possess and accomplishments you have achieved? Well my friend, THIS IS THE TIME! Cure: Write out every magnificently awesome thing about yourself as well as the things you want to improve and/or achieve. Figure out which to offer up on a date and which are best for landing that job! Too much work? Well look at some of your past failed dates and past interviews then get back to me and tell me how it could have been better. Put in the time to knowing yourself better. This may be the very thing you need to lead you to your greatest opportunities to grow in various areas of your life. This is a great lead in for the third side effect.
- Side Effect: You stunt your own personal growth and you merely exist. For a butterfly to become the beautiful creature that is meant, it must go through stages (known as metamorphosis). Though there may be more for you to achieve, it may be hard to see the path to get there if you are downplaying the path you have already travelled for the sake of being “the right woman” for a gent. How can you go through the needed growth stages to become the woman you desire if you do not own the woman you presently are? Cure: Acknowledge and Accept that you are a woman of many accomplishments –some big, some not as big. Nevertheless, they are YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS! For me, I worked two jobs and paid for grad school out of my own pockets. So when and if the topic comes up…uhhh yeah!..I’m gonna enthusiastically tell you about that experience, but will always remain humble (Also see the first side effect).
- Side Effect: You miss out on your gifts. Don’t mistake the companionship of a significant other as the main gift. Downplay-itis will cause you to miss out on the gift of being inspiring to yourself and most importantly –inspiring to others! There is someone needing to hear and know what and how you have achieved all that you have thus far. However, when one suffers from Downplay-itis, this person’s achievements will either be viewed as trivial and/or not worth obtaining. In turn, an additional side effect will ensue, where an onlooker may become deterred from his/her own path of greatness. Cure: Be true to who you are. You never know whose watching and taking notes.
Let’s enter this “Love Month” (aka February) with the mantra “The gent in my presence will choose to either be proud or intimidated. It is not for me to choose his degree of comfort within himself so as to accept the comfort I have with myself.”
Your Restyled Mom…who is applying The Cure
As we enter this month of “love“ , my thoughts quickly turn to dating, being single and most importantly- being a mom (who just so happens to be single).
I have reached my thirties, have a beautiful daughter, a nice home and make a decent living. In comparing my life as a single woman without a kiddo to my current life as a single woman with a kid, I see the differences between what I want, what I need, and the healthy balance between the two. However, I don’t have one thing -a husband. Unfortunately, I have friends who tend to remind me about my non-husband factor.
These friends feel with each closer move to the 40 club, there is an pressing need for me to be married -hence the dating game aka the “set up” commences. Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way opposed to being set up on a blind date. What I am opposed to is the attempt to set me up based solely on a number soon approaching. I am opposed to comments such as, “You’re not getting any younger”; “You’re so picky and won’t ever get married”; or my favorite “He’s not all that attractive but no one is at your doorstep sooo…”. Yes, these are just a few of the insensitive lines I get to hear. They even go so far as to say, “I thought you would’ve been married by now.” -as if they are questioning what I have done wrong along the way. I have even found myself saying to one ‘friend’, “Excuse me, I didn’t know I should have kept entertaining the guy who failed to mention he had a wife!” I presume since it wasn’t the air ripped from her lungs, it’s such a hard thing to remember.
This is what I want these “friends” to allow to resonate in their souls.
- I am not some desperate woman who will simply settle on a man with a pulse. I am first, a mom; and second to that is my being single.
- It is my daughter who is watching me and looking to me for guidance. It is my daughter whom I cherish and whom I will protect. To these ‘friends’ who think more of my age, I implore you to think less of my age and more of my child, myself, and OUR well being. Think of what will be in our best interest instead of the credit you want to take for setting the new Mr. & Mrs. ‘Us’ up or the speech you want to give at the wedding.
- Dig a little deeper in your little “Millionaire Matchmaker, Patty Stanger” set her up role and actually THINK of someone who is BEST for me and I for him.
To my friends who met their soul mates when you all were twelve years old and now are “living the dream”, I wish you the best. I sincerely do. I only ask one thing of you…
When you think of me and the next blind date/set up/match making…whatever you want to call it, think about the fact that I have a daughter watching my every move. Think about my heart and how it has been broken so many times. Now, think about the heart I have to protect (besides my own). It’s not that I have no desire to be married, but tell me…should I wait or just go on your impulsive, “she needs to get married so let me set her up” …date?
A Restyled Mom…who just so happens to be single…and willing to WAIT!
To round out this first month of the New Year, and before we move into the wonderful “looove” month, let’s hit this last (but certainly not final) part of raising amazing kids.
While taking my daughter to her dance class, I heard a parent tell her child “you suck and you’re stupid” –all this because the child bought her the wrong kind of soda. I cringed and felt my face get HOT when this lady told her own daughter this. Stupid was a word my mother said needed to be excluded from our vocabulary. No one, especially a child’s parent(s), should ever speak such words over their child or any child for that matter.
This lady’s words may have not been harsh to you. But to me, it’s considered the starting point of installing low self-esteem and diminishing self-worth into our kids. “We inherit our parents’ beliefs about ourselves. We grow up internalizing the messages we receive from our parents and peers.” I most certainly won’t make it seem as if my child is perfect. However, there will not be a time when I intentionally make her to feel like crap or even worse –less than. If ever I do, I pray to feel so convicted in my soul that I immediately apologize to my child and right my wrong.
I once dated a guy who asked me how I knew I was beautiful. I mean this dude really said, “Your grades and/or accomplishments show you are smart, but how do you know you’re beautiful?” It was like he was challenging me to look at my self-worth in the form of beauty. I looked him square in the eyes and with a very matter of fact tone said, “It’s how God made me, so I didn’t have a choice in the matter”. I soon learned this guy hated my confidence and could not understand why he could not emotionally or mentally break me. I thank God for a mother and father, who to this day, still tell me “I am God’s chosen creation and I am beautiful” amongst a host of other positive affirmations. Could you imagine what the opposite effect would have had on me?
I personally try my best to remind my little one of two facts no one can ever take away from her: (1) You are God’s child and (2) You are amazing! I make her repeat and scream it back to me:” I AM GOD’S CHILD AND I AM AMAZING!” Yes, I literally make her scream it because I want her just as excited about who she is as I am. If her answers ever dwindle into the negative zone, I ask why she feels this way, while countering each negative ideal with positive reaffirmations. I also let my kiddo know that God designed her to make a great, positive and powerful impact in the world! I remind her, though she is beautiful, it’s minor to the MAJOR person she is now and all she is destined to become!
I challenge you to speak greatness over your child(ren) every day!
Proverbs 18:21 “The tongue can bring death or life…”
Your Restyled Mom…who received a Gift from God and He made her to be #BeautifullyAMAZING!
If you want to have style without blowing all your cash let me help teach you how to thrift your way to the wardrobe you want!
Source: How To Thrift Your Way To The Wardrobe You Want
I so enjoy the numerous blogs out there –from the inspirational and culturally informative blogs right down to the make-up and style blogs. I realized something ALL these blogs have in common –at least the thriving ones. I realized all these blogs are full of someone’s ideas and inspiration.
In this New Year, as you explore and become re-acquainted with the amazing person you already are (betcha didn’t know I knew this about you huh?!)… Well…as I was saying. As you become more in tuned with your amazingness, I challenge you to write your thoughts down and make it happen.
PhotoCredit: Chaosofkyra (Instagram)
Even if you’re not one for officially “journaling”, I still encourage you to take this year to write down everything you want to see happen in your life. Now, understand, I am not saying that every single thing is going to happen just because you wrote it down. However, what I am saying is there is something about re-visiting your writings and seeing how much has come to fruition. It’s almost like it energizes you to keep pushing! Also, it helps to see where your focus is or where it should be.
Do you want to be debt free? Write down a budget, make a money plan, read and research. You want to travel more, than get the plan written out. (Side Note: Write It Down, Make It Happen by Henrietta Klauser is a good read). I don’t care if you write something to the effect of “2016, start a blog about…”, then explore what you want to start blogging. Just do it! Write down all the things that inspire you and all the ideas you have to get to where you want to go -no matter how extravagant or minimalistic it may be.
(Disclaimer: This post was also inspired by all those great ideas floating around about what to do with a Powerball lottery win). You are more likely to achieve your own personal goals, without winning the lottery, if you simply get serious about Y-O-U. Invest those two bucks in a cute notebook. Write yourself love letters; ramble about the exotic spot you want to visit; explore all your Pinterest ideas (I know you want to try EVERYTHING on there).
Care to share one of your Making It Happen in 2016 ideas? I’d love to hear it; comment below. You can also tweet with the hashtag #MakingItHappen2016. There is absolutely nothing wrong with putting pen to paper and exploring!
Your Restyled Mom…who is enjoying this adventure, taking notes along the way and #MakingItHappen2016!
As I look back to the post “The Bitter Bag“, I began to think about my daughter and what drives me to dump the “angry black woman”. She is the driving force! All that I choose to be is who she sees. I don’t know about you, but my desire is for my child to be better and to live better than I. I want to set an example that she can proudly look to become, while enthusiastically seeking to do better than myself -some might say the imaginary bar.
Photo Credit: Restyled Mom
Here are what I consider to be the Top 3 Ways to Raise an Amazing Kid:
- Be the example. I don’t have a PhD like my mother, but the example she has set for me epitomizes the strength of a woman, grace in stillness and humility in kindness. As of now, I have no desire to get my doctorate, but I do have a desire to love the Lord and be a woman of God. ” Thank you for giving me Jesus”, were the last words I heard my mom say to my grandmother. How profound; my mom too has given me Jesus. Ask yourself, “What type of legacy am I building and leaving behind for my kid(s)?” Though I am sure my mom would like for me to be Dr. Restyled Mom, I am grateful for the Christ like example she has set for me. For this I say, “Doc, thank you for giving me Jesus.”
- Speak it. Your words have power. Our children NEED to hear and KNOW they are intelligent, creative, intuitive, kind, beautiful, brave and any other positive adjectives. “There is beauty in spoken words that build and uplift. These words can be hope in a world appearing to be in a downward shift” -Restyled Mom
- Be firm but fair. Unfortunately, this world has its snarling teeth ready and waiting to tear our children apart. I think part of building a child is being firm in your words and actions but also being fair about it. Children need to know there are consequences for their actions. They also need to know that you have their best interest at heart, while still loving them to the moon and back.
Bonus: Be able to laugh at yourself, accept and admit your mistakes, and HAVE FUN! What kid wants to grow up saying my mom was an old sour faced woman, who didn’t know how to have fun! Or in the words of my little one “such a bossy pants” (lol).
(Disclaimer: If you don’t do these things, your kid may still be amazing; however, the potential of being a ‘buttmunch’ rises significantly. Studies have shown this…lol…really…ok, maybe not officially 😉
Your Restyled Mom…who has the pleasure of raising one #amazing kid!
On this Christmas Eve 2015, I want to give you the top reasons I dislike gift wrapping. I mean I dislike it tremendously much -that’s the extent of my dislike! I’ll just jump right into this thing…
#1. The paper never cooperates.
I think my gift wrapping paper secretly plots against me every year. It crumples; it tears (in the wrong places); it just won’t fold right!
#2. Though not as exciting, a bag is easier. (Pretty self-explanatory)
#3. It never fails that I have to either hide in my closet to wrap gifts or wake up super early -before the little one can see anything. Hey, we have an elf and Santa Claus running around this place, so she thinks. Hence, I keep the magic going.
#4. Time, time, time. Gift wrapping is time consuming.
And #5…All that paper gets thrown away! I know we could gently unwrap the gifts, but really? The kids wouldn’t have any fun, which brings me to the “love” part of this gift wrapping thing.
I LOVE seeing the excitement and thrill the kids have when seeing their unknown goodies under the tree.
On this Christmas Eve, as you wrap that gift, it’s okay for you to hate doing this daunting task. However, have more doses of your kids excitement than doses of the dislike of gift wrapping.
Your Restyled Mom…who is all wrapped up…MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Don’t mind the mess…RestyledMom is getting crafty. #ornamentwreath
On Tuesdays, I like to do what I call a #TuesdayExchange, where I share something I’ve read of other bloggers. Today’s #TuesdayExchange is a bit late since Christmas is 3 days away and all décor should probably be up by now. This is where I tell you my secret. I am like the scrooge of Christmas decorating. I get real ‘humbuggish’ when it comes to decorating –even as a child, I wasn’t too crazy about taking all that stuff out, putting it up, then taking it all down weeks later. So, at this point, better late than never; plus, I do it for my kiddo. No need in passing this scrooge of décor on to her.
I decided to try out the Christmas wreath made of ornaments. While I liked lovepeaceandtinyfeet.com’s utilization of a wire hanger, I own no wire hangers. This may be the direct result of watching that movie “Mommy Dearest” where the mom says, “no wire hangers”. I doubt it, but sometimes, I like to self-diagnose –no matter how far-fetched the diagnoses may be. Nevertheless, in place of the wire hanger, I used a Styrofoam wreath from Hobby Lobby. I promise every time I go in this store, I feel like I need to purchase something. Hence, I have this built into my latest budget. I’m not real crafty, but I am trying to get there. That may end up being a later post –showcasing some of my “I saw it on Pinterest but when I did it, it ended up looking like this…” type of post.
I digress. Long story short, I did the wreath and added some letters (cut out from a brown box), painted and glittered by my kiddo. We now have “JOY” over the mantle, and I’m beginning to re-think this decorating thing –as long as it doesn’t require me to paint and glitter crap treasures 😉 Check out lovepeaceandtinyfeet.com for her Christmas wreath, as well as her latest post regarding “Sprinkles are for Winners”. Interesting read, in which I agree, but that’s another #TuesdayExchange.
Your Restyled Mom…who is spreading #Joy
The #Joy of being a #restyledmom
The kid and I (#RestyledMom) @ Race for the Cure
Being a mom is hard and something that we don’t always feel like we’re doing so well. Here’s an “a-Ha” moment where I realized that I AM good enough!
Source: The Day I Realized I’m An Awesome Mom – the crunchy mommy